But as we all know, confidence doesn't necessarily mean you are granted the keys to a females heart. Some women find men such a Chris Bauer pretentious and too intense. With that in mind, I needed someone else to guide me on my quest to find the perfect female. This time however, it would have to be more subtle. The word discreet rolls off the tongue in this situation. I needed a man who would fly beneath the radar. A man who would always be involved with social events but would never really be noticed and analysed too hard by his peers.
I found this man whilst walking through the "Alternative" music aisle at JB HI FI Wollongong.(No it's not Thomas Robinson. You can find him in the Alt-Cajsh Aisle. A Sub-Aisle located directly to the left of the Indie-D00d Aisle.)
The man I'm referring to is Anthony Showmania. Anthony is 23, resides in the escarpment based town of Figtree and is a Gemini. When I first met Anthony he struck me as a quiet young gent who went about minding his own business and wasn't too fussed about getting drunk and chasing skirt. We became close friends over an extended period of time and discussed subjects such as succulent breasts, masturbation and his love of pornography. One night in town I told Anthony of the problems I had been encountering whilst trying to impress females and he said he could help me. As he took me into a quiet alleyway outside of The Grand Hotel, where many acts of fellatio have taken place, I was getting curious as to what he was going to tell me. After we were out of earshot of the 4/4 beats being strewn across the night air by various amplifiers, Anthony reached into his back pocket and handed me a piece of A4 paper. After reading me out the subject matter, Anthony handed me the piece of paper and told me it was mine to keep and utilize when desired. I was sworn to never reveal the words scribbled down but I cannot resist. So it is without further a due i give to you Anthony Yeoman's 5 Point Plan to Snaring Women via the Means of Facebook Lurking....Written by the man himself
Lesson #1 - Appear Offline
Ultimately, this is the crux of the whole formula. If you're going to go trawling a certain females page, for the love of god, don't let her know you are online. Here she is, a young floozy of about 18-19, propped up in bed after a hard day of work/uni on her laptop. All she wants to do is unwind. She doesn't want some dork pestering her on facebook chat asking her how her day was when it was shit. This situation is also perfect for masturbation as well. You don’t want someone interrupting you whilst your ¾ on your way towards a climax because you’ve been ogling a picture of her in a bikini for the last 25 minutes.
"I'm watching you ladies"Lesson # 2 - ANTE meridian
12pm-12am? You’ve got to be kidding yourself. A true creep knows the best trawling happens between the hours of 12am-6am. You’ve got to pounce upon your prey when they least suspect it. Be cunning like the fox. No one will expect you to be lurking the depths of the social networking nether regions at these hours so it’s all too easy to pull off. Plus, your housemates and parents will never realise what you’re getting up to under your blankets unless you forget to clean the sheets after you’ve finished satisfying yourself.
Lesson #3 – Event Invitations
The perfect crime. This lesson can only be broken down by the following sentences.............. You are an explorer, lost in the Himalayan region (AKA Wollongong) in a swarm of unattractive females. The event invitation is your compass. Pointing you in the direction of the event AKA a log cabin, an open fire and a naked babe perched upon a Persian rug. Her body covered in roses and her petit hands holding a bottle of Ian Osterlohs finest vino. Will you become a man ala Sylvester Stallone in Cliffhanger? Or will you let the oncoming avalanche bury you in snow and a truckload of self pity whilst you spend the night alone, erect penis in hand wondering what could’ve been?
Lesson# 4 – Laptops
Like the beloved canine, the laptop is a man’s best friend. He will let you utilize the one thing we all strive for – freedom. You can use this bad boy wherever you please. Here is a list of places I myself, Showy, have used my trusty macbook to lurk females...
• In my car out the front of Jack Dobinson’s house to lurk his sister whilst peering through her bedroom window.
• In the corner of the Hotel Illawarra whilst I watch the babe of my dreams, Catherine Eman, dance the night away on the dance floor with her friends. I heard her call one of her friends names out across the floor, Christian and surname, and within seconds I’d found her online and a friend request had been sent.
• South Beach Wollongong. Sitting next to a group of ethnic females whilst they discuss manicures and pedicures. With my trusty iPhone in hand, one click of a button and I had secretly snapped a picture of them, uploaded it to Facebook, analysed the width of her curves and instantly started lurking the depths of the Facebook world for this female. Who needs courage to ask her name when you can just lurk?
Lesson #5 – Printer
A printer you ask? Yes a printer my young apprentice. You need this piece of hardware for the following reason. If you’re ever strolling the streets of downtown Wollongong, see a babe you’ve been lurking and don’t have internet access to confirm whether it is in fact her. What better way to see if it is her than to pull out a printed off photo of her profile picture out of your top pocket and compare the photo to the babe walking towards you. Once again, who needs courage to ask her name when you can just lurk?
haha u cunt
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