It all started on Wednesday afternoon when I got a call from Modison Hellman living legend Morgan Hives who implored me to join him and the usual skits wad crew for a night of glorious times at everyones favourite house of manishment, the Wollongong Uni Bar. At first I was a bit skeptical, as I knew I had a massive weekend of doom coming up with my cricket team, as we were making an end of season sojourn to the land of the central coast, and from experience i knew that what these fellas lacked in cricketing skill they made up for in enthusiasm towards drinking and the complete absense of any sort of mind. So in order to appease Morg's and stop him from bringing out the standard dog-faced-dog calls I said I would probably come with the intention of just never rocking up to the Uni bar. However as the time drew nearer and I came to the realisation that the poncho/sombrero that is free entry courtesy of April Mezzy Pie and the impecible drink service of one Patrick "I love missing games in team sports" Woodley could not be turned down.
So come 7:30 PM I was enjoying the services of Cityrail with Benjamin Tillman and reminiscing on how exactly one year ago he was using the very same boots that were now on his feet to damage to some unsuspecting glasswork. Upon arrival I was greeted with the smiling faces of Dicko, New and Improved Showman, J Labotomy, Chav Michael Murray, The Fresh Prince of Bell Air, Steve Perry, Frosty the Snow man, the infamous Quad Messenger, Pirie and a host of other regular Wollongong Hellmen, as well as South Coast shralpers Tosti and Dr Quinn Medicine Woman. For a play by play account of the night check out the afformentioned blog of James Dixon for a typically pragmatic portrayal of the evenings events. However the highlights for me were smashing several Double Scotches and Dries and being saved from actual death by the actions of an unsuspecting female who knocked two out of my hands, hearing on countless occasions on how many babes he had been getting (with particular emphasis on his propensity for being jacked off), getting seriously shralped in the testicles by the unforgiving hand of Morgan's ultra epic mega dream babe, watching James Dixon towering over a babe while using his paternted Dick Lean while trying to seduce her and fanging around the dance floor with the tossed up Ian Tosti-low.
Needless to say when I was packing for a weekend away with my cricket team at 8 the next morning and was unable to focus my eyes to actually see any of the clothes in my wardrobe I realised that I was about to be extremely done-for. By 9 we had picked up Pat who was coming in fresh after his night behind the bar and we headed for some sort of pub in Sutherland where we were meeting the fella's. After rocking up at 9:30 I was promptly handed a beer and by 10 O'clock Pat and I had already downed our first JAger Bombs and it was clear that combined with the manishmoint from the night before it wouldn't be long before I was off my tits on happiness. The last minute withdrawal of Matthew "I had to mark year 8 computer tests so I am a dog-faced-dog" Cook meant that there were eleven dudes embarking on the Journey, who along with Pat and I included Gerard "Fern Gully" McMullen (my actual biological father), Sam "Cheecksie" Correy, Andrew "Danny DiVito, Bob Trimbolli, Craig Parry" Gorman, Andrew "batting above his weight" Fredricks, Scott "batting even higher above his weight because he is balled at 27" Ferrier, Sean "2 day spews" Murphey, Sean "bowled between bat and pad/5 wides down the leg side" Hardwick, Chris "next year I will bowl unchanged from one end" Marragon and Simmo.
We all sorted out cars, grabbed some longies from the road and accosted each other about who had to drink how many shooies and why and started on the road towards Shelly Beach Caravan Park on the Central coast. Pat, Hardwick, and I were being chaufered by my father and too this opportunity to get well and truly off our teets in the light of day. Due to some typical crapness on Scott's behalf we all decided to take the route out west near Homebush and with a couple of longie's and a whole heap of vodka and juice being downed we soon needed to relieve our aching bladders every six to eight minutes which caused several problems for my poor father.
By the time we rocked up we were all already void of minds, excepting our drivers and were shouting and carrying on making my Dad put on his school teacher voice as he attempted to calm us down because he was scared we wouldn't even get let in to the park, not once was this ever going to work. Soon enough we were lured to the little pine cones all over the ground and started refining our fielding schools, particularly by aiming some throws at the head of Gormo while he was on the phone. We he attempted to first escape then reason with us by explaining he was trying to close a fifteen grand deal, rather than subduing us it on spurred us on and he received an absolute barrage of pine cones to all parts of his body. As soon as we were in the grounds Gormo was off to find us beer and the shoeeys started flowing. Soon we decided it would be a good idea to go get involved in some food so we ventured up to the local bowling club.
Pretty much directly after we arrived within the licensed premises the two Seans decided to buy a pie each. A decision they were both instantly regretting as Hardwick decided to unleash the power of his squeezy sauce all over Murph and Murph retaliated by interrupting Hardwick's first bite by rubbing it all over his shirt. Needless to say these two fellas were asked to go home and get a change of clothes, unfortunate for them as we continued to increase our manishment at a rapid rate. The next couple of hourse consisted of writing off Scotty, spiking Scotties beer and wondering how Scotty pulled a half decent looking babe while eating our meals and droinking several boirs. The fellas rocked up freshly changed, unfortunately for me they were wearing their clothes as theirs were still locked in my car and everyone proceeded to write Murph off for the length of my little shorts on the legs that propped up his 6 foot frame, I personally thought he looked rather cute.
After a while we returned to our cabins for a round of beer pong and multiple shooeys with pat leading the way and dogs of men like Freddy Fittler and Scotty Too Hotty still somehow avoiding the wrath of the shooey, most of which were being poured out of my repugnant shoes, which i had been rocking all day with no socks. This claimed Murph as the first victim ans he spewed directly after a shooey and as a result was forced to to do a quick little nudie run for his troubles. it soon became apparent that nudity was a social faux pax at Shelly beach Caravan park, whose liberal thinking ways must have been a thing of myth as we were interrogated by park staff soon after and only the silver tongue of Bob Trimbolli convinced them to change their original prognosis of refunding our money and asking us to promptly leave and never return.
Eventually I think we organised some sort of maxi taxi and or bus to take us into the entrance to get involved in further manishment and providing us with a venue in which to gaze upon the mighty Dragons season opener. During this stage of the night I am pretty sure I was upon the precipice of no return and things could have gone either way as I have no distinct memories for about two hours during this period. However I do recall a wager was placed where by in the Dragons triumphed Gormo would have to drink a Jager bomb out of each of my Chelsea Boots and If the unthinkable happened and they lost the same fate would befall myself. So during this time I have fuzzy recollections of Hardwick attempting to flirt with some psuedo babe wearing cowboy hats, using my own father as a wingman and myself yelling such rediculous things shoegermeister and shoegerbomb in a James Pirie inspired high pitch voice everytime something happened that made me believe Gormo would indeed be drinking these high priced beverage out of the Goblet of Death that is my shoe.
So as history has it I won the bet and I and Craig Parry dutifully downed his liquid treats. The only other things I can really remember is Pat tackling Chris and ruining his weekend by dislocating his hip, sporatically bursting in to fractured renditions of when the Saints Go Marching in with Simmo, Sam and Pat and eventually being asked to leave for being too loud and unruly. About this time my memory starts to return and from leaving the club to making our way to the next club shit went crazy. Hardwick had somehow gotten in an altercation with some dudes who were now talking to CBHB (Cowboy hat babe for those of you who are accronym rookies). He was being held back by some dudes in our team and trying to get back into the club. At one stage he went to run back in shouting at the bouncer to let him in because he just wanted to "punch that Lebbo c@nt in the face"...Hectic. This whole time I was just fanging around laughing pretty much solo as Woodley got on the blower to UEMDB (ultra epic mega dream babe) and other dudes were talking to some hectic looking chicks, including one of our team who's favourite song is Knocking on Devon's Door engaging in some extra marital activities with a minor.
I found pat again later and He, Simmo, Sam and I walked up to KFC drive through which was the only place we could gain access to food. From memory a few tower burgers were being bought/consumed when Freddy, in one of his little ball of anger moods, rocks up and just starts loosing his mind over the dynamics of a KFC Tower Burger, as if chicken and hash brown were binary opposites taking aim at Pat and Simmo in Particular. Though I was out of my mind I have been assured that this quote is actual verbatim from the mouth of Andrew Fredricks and was instigated by his friend simply eating a tower burger, "that is the shittest burger ever, what kind of fucking shit cunt eats a burger that has chicken and a hash brown on it. You are the shittest dude, you fucking dicgust me. You know what you guys should fucking go home, especially you Simmo, I will give you the cab money to get back to Sydney. That is the shittest burger ever you do not deserve to be on this trip". I can assure you that I actually fell on the floor laughing and I am convinced that it was one of the funniest rants I have ever heard fall out of a mans mouth, especially over the innocent eating of a promotional burger.
Too Be continued tomorrow xxx.
No comments:
Post a Comment