Ashes of Death

Five tests have come and gone and where the ashes once rested i am left with nothing but a totally fucked up sleeping pattern and a heart struggling to float in a sea of discontent. As you already know the Aussies went down to England, in Engalnd. Again! While in 2005 i was consoled with fond memories of mystical reverse swing knocking poles out off the ground as batsmen shouldered arms like over zealous gatekeepers, Warnie spinning ball after ball between, behind and in front of Strausess pads and making Ian Bell lose his mind on his way to and ashes record 40 wickets and Flintoff, gracefully, almost regally, consoling his fallen adversary, Brett Lee, on that fateful morning at Edgebaston, this time i know i have nothing to savour. Since the tests have finished my health has wained and my neg sessions have become more frequent. Yet most of all i have been left feeling pissed off. When i read stories about selectors and spinners and batting collapses i can feel the bile building up in my throat an fear it will all become too much. While the series as a whole and the self congratulatory nature of pasty, cavity ridden douche bag English fans is enough to put anyone on the edge here are the five things that have truly made me lose my mind in the wash up of this series.

1- The English commentators.
Sure Nassar, Bumble, Athers and the rest are knowledgeable about cricket and their accents and cricketing nomenclature is entertaining and their views insightful at times, they are so fucking biased it makes me want to throw my remote control through the TV screen. For the life of me i will never understand how every time Ponting rocked back and cracked on through the onside a little in the air that it was great bowling and Ponting had been lucky, while fuckers like Ian Bell and Ravi Bopara played streaky drive after edgy cut shot down through third man and were hailed as stylish strikers of the cricket ball, bullshit. Or each time an English dude was caught plum in front they proclaimed it was sliding so far down leg that it could not have been a bigger travesty had Rudi Kuertzen spat beer in the face of their beloved queen. While when the Aussie batsmen hit the cover off the ball before being given LB or Strauss claimed half volley after half volley, they were little more than "slightly unlucky".

2- Stuart Broad, Hellman and massive babe
At the start of the contest Damian Martin announced that Stuart Broad was the player to watch out for this season. Stuart who, i thought nonchalantly to myself, Punter and Hughesey will have no trouble with this no name, and for a while i was right. Until in the second last test he sprung into live by scoring 60 odd with the bat taking 6 for and doing it with the demeanour of a dude who knows he is now them man. As if this wasn't enough he came out and took 4 wickets in about 2 balls in the final test to put England on the road to certain victory and ashes glory. To make matters worse he has overtaken Patrick Woodleys mantle of worlds most babing fast bowler and to go alongside his wickets, runs and glory I'm sure he has a plethora of Camden dolly birds and Cornish beauties fanging around after him day and night.



3- Freddy
Flintoff is a hellman, there is no two ways about it. He has now retired from test cricket and was reportedly going under the knife for another terrible injury. In my little brain i couldn't help but wonder if the surgery he may have required was to have lowered his arms from the god-like salute he indulged in after every feat, no matter how trivial, he accomplished on the field. Run out Ponting, stand with arms in the air, being the man, bowl a tail ender, same pose, see that there is chicken on the lunch menu, up flung Freddies beefy limbs. I would much rather the gleeful surprise shown by duds like Gramme Swann or the Aggression of Steve Harmisson to this stance of Flintoff, who seemed to be sayin, "I'm the man, now embrace me".


4- I thought we were playing England.
So initially when my brain thought ashes it thought, Australia taking on England in the oldest and proudest of cricketing contest, Australia determination against English desperation, Australians ever pushing for the win, while the English set out to methodically take apart their opponant. However when i read the team sheet i realised this was about as much an England team as it was a team representing NSW. You see when glancing over the initial team sheet it became clear that Prior, Pieterson and even their Beloved Capetian Strauss were all bloody South Africans. That's right,after a back to back test series against South Africa, we turn up in England to play people from which nation, South Africa of course. What a bloody joke, could you imagine Aussies just going skits over a team that was made up of Pakistanis or Kiwis, i don't fucking think so. To make matters worse when one of Englands batsmen, Ravi Boparra from India, fell out of form to be replaced by Jonothan Trott, who you guessed it, was a bloody South African. Those cunts! Of course he went on to score a crucial century, their only other century was scored by Strauss and every time England collapsed Prior made valuable runs. Neg storm.

Michael Hussey-
Mr Cricket, more like Mr Lose my wicket, couldn't buy runs for the whole frigging series. He spoke about hitting the ball in the nets and the team losing because they played poorly as group, but frig how many times did he leave the ball only to be bowled or be hit straight in front? What a freak show nightmare. To comound it all he was able to score a career saving hundred in the final innings of the series. Wow what a great performance in a side that lost by 197 runs. Where was that in the first innings, nay the whole series, you frigging douche. Now he will be around blowing it for another 27 matches or some ridiculous number without scoring a ton.