Here is an article that Dav and I got published in a boogieboarding magazine. If you aint a boogie boarder but would like to read a ridiculous but somewhat entertaining article then get involved.
Knowing when any surf break works best is hard. It takes time and money to buy enough beer to weasel information out of old salt dogs. Then years of arguing with your mates about wind, tide, and the day that the reef changed forever (possibly June 7th 1996). A little small talk and spot specific jargon about the tide dropping is your best defence against localism. Without it you will be lucky to catch more than mean stinkeye and the foul scent of unkept dreadlocks as some self proclaimed hellman assumes the inside for the 50th time. But how do you find out info about spots you're yet to surf? Luckily Movement is here to road test some of the finer wave divining tools available so that you can be on the pulse for the next fifty year storm.
WannaSurf.com
In this secular age where their is no god and all our faith has been placed in technology it is no surprise that our first port of call was the Internet. Wannasurf.com is the like facebook for surf spots. Each wave has an upbeat profile and a bunch of pictures taken from elevated angles that make them look way hotter than they are.
At first the layout was slightly confusing but after perseverance we were greeted with what appeared to be the holy grail of lounge-room surf exploration. We should have known it was too good to be true, it seemed to have answers for everything. It even claimed to know the exact number of waves in Australia 1372. Which seemed odd as there are almost as many individually named spots on 100m of Thirroul beach. There were a few posts about spots that should have rung alarm bells but we were just too caught up in the magic of the virtual world - like an overweight housewife on secondlife.com. For example: Tama reef isn't located near Ulladulla at all. It is in fact in Tamarama and somehow boasts a '300 meter ride' on a good day despite the beach being less than 50 meters wide. Even listing hazards at South Stradbroke as 'barnacle encrusted coral' didn't stir the shitometer.
Wannasurf.com seemed to be the answer to our surf divining prayers. Just as we were about to close the browser on our new gospel we looked a bit closer to home and found something a little awry. In the photo's section of our favourite righthand beachbreak - the infamous Wollongong pier appeared to be a ten foot left hand slab. Upon enlargement it looked almost identical to Victorias Luna Park. It's one thing to utilise photoshop and your finest push up bra but it's another thing altogether to claim a shot from your hotter sister's modelling portfolio. At first we were left wondering how we missed the day when it actually held over 3ft. Then it struck us. This site wasn't being updated by a technological higher power, rather by people just like you and I.
The Real Deal
It makes sense. How can you trust your fellow man in this day and age. As surf enthusiasts we're all selfish cunts who'd gladly give anyone the bum steer to get the jump on the crowd at our local. With both god and technology also out of the picture we were lost as to where to look for answers. If only there were some kind of divine being who walked amongst us mere mortals and learned our secrets then decided to publish a book on his findings. Some kind of modern day philanthropist who's altruistic expressions eventually led his bible to be reprinted seven times and to sell over 30 000 copies at $39.95 - pocket edition $19.95.
Fortunately such an elite vessel exists. His name is Mark Warren and he just so happened to write the real surfers bible (many incorrectly believe it to be tracks magazine which is in fact the bogan's bible). In an era where wetsuits more closely resembled construction workers hi-vis, alcohol and tobacco sponsors were bountiful and riding within 5 meters of the curl was considered a barrel, Mark schralped his way into the worlds top 10 surfers. Taking out the prestigious 1976 Shmirnoff World Pro-AM title and no doubt taking his fare share of bikini clad spectator muff along the way. Until an unfortunate incident where a stray malibu to the teets cruelly cut short his career.
This was in fact a blessing in disguise as it left Mark wallowing in self pity at watering holes all around this fair land preaching yarns about the glory days. His charisma and reputation allowed him to prise open the tightly sealed lips of crusty locals and quite often the slightly more relaxed errr… lips of the local floozies. Originally Mark wrote the tips down along with phone numbers in a little black book hoping to keep the secrets for himself. In 1988 a botched teet reconstruction meant Mark's hopes of a comeback were permanently dashed. Mark had drunken his way down to his last brass razoo and was becoming increasingly bitter at all the uncrowded sessions that were going down.
With this benevolent motivation at heart Mark put pen to paper and developed roll after roll of his holiday snaps to produce Mark Warren's Atlas of Australian Surfing. This 252 page literary epic fluctuates between poetic prose and cold fact to outline not only the best spots on the Australian Coastline but also everything you need to know about surfing to become a legitimate "off the richter surf nazi" (Warren M, 1988, Page 29). If this language seems a little foreign to you, It did for us at first too. Luckily the book also boasts a glossary of terms to help decipher the contemporary lingo used. Some of the more enlightening sections of the book include: Getting deeper inside: A clever guide to riding the barrel that probably doubles as a metaphor for satisfying a woman. The birth of the continents: possibly inspired as much by science as by a bad acid trip. Four imperative guidelines to avoiding shark attack, beginning with: Avoid surfing river mouths, unless it's perfect. In which case we can assume sharks will be mesmerised by the spinning water tunnels and therefore unable to attack. How surf breaks get named: Some of Marks eccentric views on how waves get their names including shark island being so named for it's abundance of sharks.
Despite all of this handy information, the nuts and bolts of this book still lie in it's ability to help you locate the finest waves on the coast on any given day. Spots such as Sandon Point, Fairy Bower and Gunnamatta beach to name but a few of the hidden treasures. His artfully crafted descriptions paint a beautiful and informative picture of what to expect at each spot. For example: "Headlands is a true sister wave to Shark Island which is a real test of skill and courage, off limits to anyone but the most experienced, high tide only." With the hot tip being: "be sure to pack an extra leash for your heart" Which may seem a little over the top at first, but according to topographic expert Koots, this description was written before the reef changed in June 1996. And like all biblical writings this one is up for personal interpretation to succor your own misgivings.
While writing this article we received tonnes of sworn testimonials from high profile bodyboarders. Chris James, Alex Bunting and Jose Marquina to name but a few. In the name of journalistic integrity we made several attempts to track Mark down for an interview. Not everyone was as thrilled at having their much loved local spot thrust between the glossy pages of the Atlas for all to see. In 1993, After a particularly violent run in with Tourquay locals where Mark's remaining functioning teet was severed and mounted at the checkpoint to Bells as a constant warning to any out of towers - Mark decided to flee the country. He is now rumoured to be residing in Ghana working on a follow up book. The much anticipated 'Mark Warren's Atlas of Australian Vagina'. So while we wait in baited breath for the second coming of this contemporary messiah we are left to make the most of his previous work. Next time that we spy a five meter south swell with northwest winds lighting up the charts we will packing the Nutella sandwiches and heading straight for 20 foot Black Rock.
*Movement Magazine does not share any opinions expressed in this article. While this article was thoroughly researched, certain 'facts' may or may not have been fabricated. Mark Warren did not actually received a stray malibu to the teets at any point in his career and is still surfing, more recently adding victory at the 1993 masters championship at the Narrabeen Boardriders Club to his list of accolades. Actually apply caution to any of the 'facts' stated in this article.
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