Hellmen: Matticks Bucks

These are the events that took place on one glorious saturday, the 17th of April 2010. Mark this day, savour it. It will forever go down in history as Ryan "Wordsmith" Matticks last day as a freeman, as he took his one last chance to emancipate himself from his better half (don't take offense Ryan she is pretty rad) and lost his mind, along with about 30 other males, at his Bucks party organized by Koots "I have a double page spread and can not been seen wearing last years Zion range" Cayley. Welts were gained, minds were lost, friendships forged and some shit went down that could only happen with a plethora of VB thirty can blocks and a bunch of 20 something males, who could barely deal with the fact that their mate was getting married.

Here I will provide you with an account that will be as accurate as my tarnished memory will allow, in a hope that you who were not lucky enough to be present will receive a vivid portrayal on what Mattick has already referred to as the best day ever.

It started reasonably early with a paintball shralp out at Camden. Being a sheltered boy from the coastal sanctuary of Thirroul I had absolutely no idea where the frick Camden was and due to the fact I can't drive and slept the whole way out there and back, if you took me back now I am pretty sure I would actually die. The reason beyond this long range mission was that Patrick "lookatmeIwoodley" Woodley has bought a sheet load of discount coupons and saved them for an occasion such as this. We rocked up and started getting involved in some pre match psyche outs, vibing all the dudes that had not been before, telling them how much it hurts and that they were going to get targeted like mother bitches.

We shralped our camo gear, donned our helmets and snapped our assault rifles and split up into teams. I was placed on the red team with some massive hellmen including Tosti, Ivan (who looked like he was some heco veitcong dude straight out of Hanoi) Tillamen Ben, Ror-z, Griz and most possibly most importantly Barnsey. Barnsey is an ultra competitive man and as soon as he gets involved in some sort of activity where it is possible to beat another dude he turns in to Paul Sirronin straight out of the 1989 Grand Final, and does what ever it takes to vanquish his opponent. The most disappointing aspect of how the teams were constructed was the fact that Koots was selected as part of our make up, regrettebly denying me the chance of legitimately shooting him between the tits. However I was not able to be totally unhappy with the teams, as Maddog had clad himself in his wonderful white frock and been selected as a member of the opposition along with Greeny, Pat and J Dob amongst many others.

The day went predictably with dudes getting pumped left right and centre, but heres a few highlights.

1-Corpse, Jase, Henners, Dav and Katsey rocked up late and missed the first game as Thomas had forgotten his ID. As a result he and Henners (Thomas blamed Henners for not telling him he needed his ID) had to run a gauntlet in front of the fellas. Just previously Pat had runa gauntlet and got pretty pumped, but had saved himself to a certain extant by veering away from the firing squad. Corpse, possibly being uncharecteristically perceptive, took this course to a new level and pretty much fanged off in the other direction, leving Henners to get truelly worked, as he turned his back on everyone and barely stumbled his was to the finish line, only metres from everyones guns.

2- J dob being the biggest dog faced dog of all time and popping people from close range between games like an absolute slut.

3-The red team, led by the redoubtable Todd Barnes, winning each and every challenge.

4- The Buck hunter round where everyone persued Maddog and Koots who had to try and escape us, completely unarmed. The most glorious part of this was Koots had predictably injured himself only days prior to the event and could barely run as it was and was appropriately preyed upon like an injured buffalo.

5- The Final free for all where everyone got absolutely blasted and when it was all over, the pleasure I had in finding a stray paint ball and slyly shooting J dob in the arm, repaying him for all the cheap shots of doom he had been laying out all day and in the process leaving him with his most painful welt.

After the fun and games, we went back to the sheds, shared our stories for the day, talked up how rad we all were at shooting dudes, laughed about how we were, in reality, real lame and would have died in a real war in the first 34 seconds and payed our debts and ate some Pizza. During this time Maddog humiliated J Lab with one of the oldest tricks in the book, as he underwent a surprise attack and rubbed his sweaty box all up in Labs grill. J Dob, embarressed to call himself a Kirra second grader after falling for one of the oldest tricks in the book and proceded to try and recalim his honour with a wrestle. The result was plenty of gravel rash for both parties, and a temporarily lost mind for Dob, when his little paintball pass had been ripped from his neck and the thought of having to pay 500 bligs for a replacement started running through his head, only for it to be found on the ground in the direct vacinity that the wrestle took place.

Fast forward a few hours and all the fellas start rocking up to Maddogs pad, which he shares with Pattay, Koots and Green. I was there first as a few of the fellas had gone for a swim and to make themselves look all pretty, and had started to get involved in my thirty can block of VB. As I was taking my first sips from my second can and we were all engaging in pleasant conversation and moving all the lounge setting out in the front yard to enjoy the ambience of a glorious autumn evening there was little that was occurring that was an indication of the events that were about to unfold.

Before you know it the fellas are around talking shoit and Dav suggests a game of Never Have I Ever. The basic premise of this game is to say some sort of act, the more intense, hectic or out control the better, and if you have done this act you drink. Typically the game got pretty intense and people started outing each other left right and centre, including typical mentions of Koots, shooting his own load, visits to Balinese working woman, masturbating over friends sisters/girlfriends/fiances, Greeny trumpeting his own sexual prowess and other glorious escapades. During this time Koots was ordered to drink a beer out of Matticks box, which he had been sporting all day, Matticks drank a shooey out of his own work boot which had been sitting out in his front yard since he moved and the introduction of a beer bong to proceedings. Here is a link to a vid of Koots drinking from a box.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=413108960907&ref=mf

Before we knew it the high/low light of the evening was upon us, as Koots' promise of a sight unseen Wollongong stripper, ordered from a website that boasted tacky photos of Wollongong Harbour as its background, came to fruition. As you could imagine shit was getting pretty ridiculous and several people started to lose their mind. While I will skim over most details, one of the most incredible scenes I have ever witnessed occurred during this period of the night. Koots, admittedly egged on by the rest of the crowd, went absolutely mental, stripped down adjacent to this lady, and started stroking his own piece of manhood, addiment that if he could manage an erection he would have fornicated with her before our very eyes, Fortunately this did not come to pass, partly as a result of Koots literally having the smallest willy I have ever seen with my own eyeballs at this stage, which is quite surprising as normally it is well and truly apparent.

Almost in an instant she was out of there and we were left to entertain ourselves, which we did quite easily. Inspired by Jamie "The Lord of Chavlington Mannor" Goddard, we embarked upon a group session of shooeys, to the motivating accompanyment of one of the most glorious drinking songs of all time. You can witness the mayhem here.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150168116180300

Soon enough the occupants of the house had done more than their share of hosting for the night and we moved on to the pub. This rather early defection from their abode did not save their living room, and despite their best efforts, the place still smells like a bar. So as we left the house people began to disband and the night spiraled in different directions for different parties.

The next day I received a call from Mattick and he claimed it was "the best night ever" and he was not far off, as I think I will remember some of the escapades fora long time.

The Aftermath of paintball. Sadly it was not the last time we saw Koots and his back tits that night.

"Oi Mate my misses is clicking seeing them photos of me haha can you do me a favour and not put any up with me in there or just not tage me. Cheers bro". Dav exposing a man for his sins.